So this is the end.
It's over.
It was fun for about five minutes, but as always, almost as quickly as it resurfaces, the desire to write is gone, like the hope I once had.
Like a match, when struck, offering you a few seconds of brightness, before it burns you and is extinguished, plunging you back into darkness.
Every now and then this mood, this darkness, devours me.
Nothing, and no one, can save me. I can only give in and allow the darkness to wash over me like an old, unwanted, and yet somehow comforting, blanket.
Comforting you may ask?
Yes, and what I mean by that is that I have given up hope. There is a comfort in knowing there is no point in ever trying to change things.
I know for certain I will never find happiness, contentment, or peace. They may present themselves in brief bursts, but they will never last. And why is that comforting? Because I know deep down there is no point in striving for something that can never be mine. I know not to even bother exerting the energy. There is no point in setting goals, in looking ahead in life.
Not much to look forward to.
I am trapped in a fucking job I despise with no hope of getting out of any time soon. Indefinite discontentment is all life offers me right now. Let's face it, when you hate your job you hate your life.
Outside of work what is there to look forward to? My only family is my aunt and uncle, and my uncle doesn't even know what day of the week it is thanks to Parkinson's Dementia.
My aunt, who I love more than anyone in this world, at 73 years of age, has finally slightly overcome her fear of driving, because she knew she had to. But oh God, I am terrified of her driving, because she is an awful driver, and I don't think she has it in her to ever improve. So that is one more thing for me to worry about.
Not to mention if or when something happens to her, I will never ever recover. That will be the loss that completely destroys me. That literally will kill me without a doubt. She is the only one in life that never failed me in any way. The one who has always been there for me. Not many people out there like that.
But enough about the only family I have left.
Most of the people I loved are gone. Not just through death.
And the ones I lost who are still out there, or at least I think they are, are the ones that sometimes hurt the most.
I don't know why I still think of someone who I was so responsible for losing. But I do. In darkest times, I do.
I still see your face, still hear your voice, still love you.
And how I wish I could take back the brutal way I ended it with you, especially because I was not at all being honest with you, with what I was really feeling.
On nights like this my soul still speaks to yours. And sometimes I believe you actually hear it. That's how strong I feel the bond we once had was. It's a pain I will never be free of. One that consumes me when despair burns me to the ground.
I will never get the chance to change it. You told me years ago you couldn't go back into the darkness of the past. But that you forgave me and hoped it helped, and also that I needed to stop living in the past.
Maybe you were right. Maybe I did, and do, live in the past.
But that's because mine wasn't all dark. Mine had genuine moments of happiness, excitement, magic, and love.
That's most likely why the present, despite seemingly having it all from an outsider's perspective, is often so bleak.
Life had so much potential when it began.
So much potential.
I truly believed I was destined for extraordinary things.
It started off like - and this is a line from the V.C. Andrews novel Flowers in the Attic - a perfect summer day.
A perfect summer day.
One that ended with the hint of an approaching storm.
A storm that eventually came, violently, destructively, and only left fragments of happiness.
Reminders of what life once was.
And can never be again.
So....
With that I leave you with a song from one of my very favorite artists, Trevor Something. Be warned, though, this song fits this posting, because it can turn even the brightest, happiest day, into a gloomy, moody, atmospheric, feeling of despair.
